Tag Archives: sleepless nights

The Upsides of Downsides

I suppose it’s emblematic of the human condition that challenges and obstacles suddenly dropped on our path normally elicit the full range of reactions. As creatures of habit and ritual, we prefer to wrap ourselves in a blanket of familiarity and tend to avoid any variables that pose a threat to our safety or survival. I’m sure it’s somehow wired into our DNA, so we have Homo habilis to thank for the butterflies in our belfries.

But maybe there’s a hidden benefit to that knee-jerk panic response that sends the heart rate racing. Our bodies are being primed for evaluation, either internally or externally. We’re forced to take a moment of pause to assess and decide. So it might be wise to embrace those sweaty palms and shaky hands.

Zooming out, this can apply to individual situations or the “life map” as a whole. Rarely do we have the luxury of smooth sailing, and deviations from the game plan are more often a burden to bear and a maze to navigate. Change is a wool sweater on bare skin, and any progress takes some itching. There’s no such thing as painless growth, only growing pains.

Closing a chapter feels much different than writing it. I’m sprinting toward a checkered flag that was years in the making, and some big-picture evaluation has been monopolizing my sleepless nights.

Only time guards the answers. But right now, it’s hard to see if that rapidly approaching line is labeled “start” or “finish.”

Adolescence Interrupted

Keep a Torch Lit

As I leap from one straw-grasping session to the next, I am reminded of the importance of maintaining hope in the face of adversity. I cannot continue to swim upstream against a current of unthinkable pain without a support system in place, and I will never find my way out of this cave without keeping a torch lit to reveal the path.

It’s been all snakes and spikes, pitfalls and peril, but some fuel is still available to burn. So I will compartmentalize to maintain sanity, and think of this as a puzzle to be solved, as opposed to a maze without exits. Toppling towers haven’t crushed me before, so there’s no reason to believe that they’ve suddenly become impossible to dodge.

I like my deck neatly stacked, with clean corners and even edges. I just prefer it’s not stacked against me.

The enigmatic nature of a lack of diagnosis might be the most bitter pill to swallow. My feet have gotten so cramped from staying on my toes, it’s no wonder I get knocked back on my heels. But some people ride a life of water slides and some get the rock walls. I’m digging into the crevices that barely fit fingers, and just hoping to hang on before I make another push.

A wily and unruly mind has certainly not helped slip the splinter from the skin, but it may be the only tool I have to ultimately vanquish a villain who occupies both the world of the brain and the body.

Far too many sleepless nights have been spent standing inside a conundrum, so a dawn delivering answers or optimism could be the first step toward regaining the person and personality I’ve lost.

Adolescence Interrupted