As I leap from one straw-grasping session to the next, I am reminded of the importance of maintaining hope in the face of adversity. I cannot continue to swim upstream against a current of unthinkable pain without a support system in place, and I will never find my way out of this cave without keeping a torch lit to reveal the path.
It’s been all snakes and spikes, pitfalls and peril, but some fuel is still available to burn. So I will compartmentalize to maintain sanity, and think of this as a puzzle to be solved, as opposed to a maze without exits. Toppling towers haven’t crushed me before, so there’s no reason to believe that they’ve suddenly become impossible to dodge.
I like my deck neatly stacked, with clean corners and even edges. I just prefer it’s not stacked against me.
The enigmatic nature of a lack of diagnosis might be the most bitter pill to swallow. My feet have gotten so cramped from staying on my toes, it’s no wonder I get knocked back on my heels. But some people ride a life of water slides and some get the rock walls. I’m digging into the crevices that barely fit fingers, and just hoping to hang on before I make another push.
A wily and unruly mind has certainly not helped slip the splinter from the skin, but it may be the only tool I have to ultimately vanquish a villain who occupies both the world of the brain and the body.
Far too many sleepless nights have been spent standing inside a conundrum, so a dawn delivering answers or optimism could be the first step toward regaining the person and personality I’ve lost.
I have recently experienced the privilege of reconnecting with a friend I have known since my eyes could first process images. From the moment I was aware of other humans in my space, I was aware of him. Inseparable as twins, our minds seemed to work as one. The very definition of attachment, we donned diapers and danced to the sounds of blissful innocence.
We were a team built from constant exposure, shared space, and common ground. We walked through the world for the first time, investigating our surroundings with fresh eyes and clean slates. Like brothers, we spent endless hours lost in conversations far deeper than childhood superficiality should produce. It was a bond forged from the structure of the nest, warmth of the heart, and a particular sense of security that seems to disappear far too soon.
Then, an unforeseen incident positioned him back on my radar, light brightly blinking. A moment of dread followed disbelief, and feeling too far to help was like being shackled in the sand. My “brother” was suddenly walking down roads that were far too familiar. To think that someone so close could be so close to peril was alarming. I wanted to erase his pain, and picturing the panic circles spinning through his mind made things exponentially worse.
To hear that I was unconsciously giving him the support he needed when he required it most, is a gift without words.
There are times our paths are righted and our journeys realign. It is not our job to question the reasons but to embrace the adjusted course. If this moment of crisis is the catalyst to shake some sense back into our disconnected lives, I am grateful for the rattle.