Tag Archives: Rounders

A Grind Against the Grain

“Get your money in when you have the best of it. Protect it when you don’t. Don’t give anything away. That’s how I paid my way through half of law school. A true grinder. You see, I learned how to win a little at a time. But finally, I’ve learned this: if you’re too careful, your whole life can become a fuckin’ grind.”  —Rounders (1998)

The daily grind vs effortless ease.

Push against the grain or go with the flow?

We are constantly confronted by the question of which path will ultimately lead to some semblance of peace and happiness. Play it safe or swing for the fences? Security or scintillation? Gravity or grandeur?

As a creative person who lived for a long time among a sea of artists, performers, and divergent thinkers, I watched the exhilaration born from imaginative achievement as often as I witnessed the crushing weight of defeat when those targets missed their marks.

There is an inherent “survivor hardwiring” in the bones of those who are willing to literally lay everything on the line for the chance to blaze their own path and express what’s simmering at the core of their soul. The idea of any looming extinguisher rarely factors into their plans or motivations. If those inevitable roadblocks were visible at the starting line, the meritocratic marathon would never begin.

But there comes a time when those ruby slippers are sent back to a black-and-white closet to live out their remaining years far from the Technicolor glory day glow of center-stage spotlights and endless applause.

Is it white flag acquiescence? Dour defeatism? Or is there a certain level of relief knowing that some steady predictability can often fill a void we may not have known even existed?

There is a consistent comfort in certainty, even if the adrenaline rush of diving into the dark without any knowledge of the depth pales in comparison.

At least there’s less chance of impact when we realize the pool has been drained.

Adolescence Interrupted

Take Two

clapperboard1 2For more than a year, I have been burdened with the weight of lost opportunities, disappearing days, and a sense that I have made some very wrong turns on the road of life. I started to become acquainted with the lack of passion and the repetition of carbon copy weeks, but the last few months have brought some more pronounced realizations into focus.

I am not the person I wanted to be, the adult I envisioned, or the man fulfilling the dreams of my youth. I am merely existing, walking a line of straight, colorless paths with no discernible destination.

There is a buzz in my brain like the frequency of a guitar amp someone left humming in the corner of the room. That white noise has been there for years, but the murmur used to be a higher pitch, and it would fluctuate when life threw a curveball or offered a piece of good news. Now, it’s more of a drone,  whirring without variation in volume or tone. A flatline.

Luckily, I don’t get depressed, or this situation could get sticky. But, the fact that the current state of affairs is offering little in the way of options or progress is certainly a concern.

I am no longer a wily, wide-eyed teen with a long list of life’s adventures waiting to be checked. But I’m also not a twenty-something with ample time to make mistakes on the way to self-discovery. The blisters on my feet from spinning in circles on the road less traveled are starting to bleed through the socks.

Current technology doesn’t allow us to roll back the clock for another chance to do it right. I used to think that every situation and experience are specifically put on our plates to teach us lessons and make us who we are today. But, I have started wishing for another shot at living life the right way.

Like an adult do-over, I’ve been thinking about clean slates and going back to the starting line. I don’t mean this in a “if I knew then what I know now” kind of way. I’m talking about a true reboot. I want to begin the whole process again, without squandering my talent, wasting my time, and getting in my own way.

Reincarnation is probably my only viable shot at this plan, so I suppose I just have to cross my fingers and wait for round two.

I’m reminded of this quote from one of my favorite films, “Rounders,” and it hits home now more than ever:

“You don’t hear much about guys who take their shot and miss, but I’ll tell you what happens to ’em. They end up humping crappy jobs on graveyard shifts, trying to figure out how they came up short.”

Luckily, I’m not punching the graveyard card clock just yet, but I can certainly identify with the sentiment.

The future is not entirely bleak, and I’m taking the steps necessary to generate momentum. But, hitting a giant reset button doesn’t feel like the worst idea.

I suppose I’m stuck in this skin until it wrinkles and sags, so I may as well make the most of it.