For more than a year, I have been burdened with the weight of lost opportunities, disappearing days, and a sense that I have made some very wrong turns on the road of life. I started to become acquainted with the lack of passion and the repetition of carbon copy weeks, but the last few months have brought some more pronounced realizations into focus.
I am not the person I wanted to be, the adult I envisioned, or the man fulfilling the dreams of my youth. I am merely existing, walking a line of straight, colorless paths with no discernible destination.
There is a buzz in my brain like the frequency of a guitar amp someone left humming in the corner of the room. That white noise has been there for years, but the murmur used to be a higher pitch, and it would fluctuate when life threw a curveball or offered a piece of good news. Now, it’s more of a drone, whirring without variation in volume or tone. A flatline.
Luckily, I don’t get depressed, or this situation could get sticky. But, the fact that the current state of affairs is offering little in the way of options or progress is certainly a concern.
I am no longer a wily, wide-eyed teen with a long list of life’s adventures waiting to be checked. But I’m also not a twenty-something with ample time to make mistakes on the way to self-discovery. The blisters on my feet from spinning in circles on the road less traveled are starting to bleed through the socks.
Current technology doesn’t allow us to roll back the clock for another chance to do it right. I used to think that every situation and experience are specifically put on our plates to teach us lessons and make us who we are today. But, I have started wishing for another shot at living life the right way.
Like an adult do-over, I’ve been thinking about clean slates and going back to the starting line. I don’t mean this in a “if I knew then what I know now” kind of way. I’m talking about a true reboot. I want to begin the whole process again, without squandering my talent, wasting my time, and getting in my own way.
Reincarnation is probably my only viable shot at this plan, so I suppose I just have to cross my fingers and wait for round two.
I’m reminded of this quote from one of my favorite films, “Rounders,” and it hits home now more than ever:
“You don’t hear much about guys who take their shot and miss, but I’ll tell you what happens to ’em. They end up humping crappy jobs on graveyard shifts, trying to figure out how they came up short.”
Luckily, I’m not punching the graveyard card clock just yet, but I can certainly identify with the sentiment.
The future is not entirely bleak, and I’m taking the steps necessary to generate momentum. But, hitting a giant reset button doesn’t feel like the worst idea.
I suppose I’m stuck in this skin until it wrinkles and sags, so I may as well make the most of it.
7 thoughts on “Take Two”
Its the innocence… We can’t have it back, and nothing brings the same excitement as the “possibilities” that once were, and now we get bogged down with years of monotony that is existence. Man – the excitement I used to get about what was to come. Now, I don’t think anything would be able to fill in the hole that is left where unrealistic expectations were. This isn;t in regards to any specific dream of rockstardom or anything like that as you may think in regards to me…just that life isn’t as new and exciting as you continue living it…no matter what you are doing. I have a beautiful son – nothing could make me happier than this child whom I have grown to find so necessary to my being in such a short amount of time, that life without him would be agonizing, but I’m not through the roof high on life. I’m working. Struggling to trudge through the day to day even though most would think I have an unbelievably exciting and envious life. Yet, I am still looking for the reboot..not a different life persay, but higher levels of new and exciting while living it. I can’t see how it is possible to quench this thirst. Drugs and alcohol dont work…I’ve learned that. I guess I can take solace in my security and keep telling myself this is what true happiness is…then see if I can be innocent in the next life…rebooted if you will.
Little quote from “Blessing in Disguise” by …balance…
“Keep me innocent. Keep me loved. Keep me young.”
Well, 2 out of 3 will have to do! lol.
Love ya brotha. Thanks for keeping me thinking and great seeing you last week!
My two cents.
Well said, my friend. As always, even though we live very different lives, we travel very similar roads. It was so great seeing you and getting to experience an auditory walk down memory lane. I absolutely miss having you out here, but I’m so happy to see the world you’ve created for yourself.
Even though some of that excitement may be lacking, you’ve made good decisions and constructed an admirable existence. You can hold your head up high that you were able to identify what was dragging you down and then change it. That’s something most people never recognize, let alone accomplish.
I couldn’t be more proud of you, and I’m happy to call you a dear friend.
Thank you for your insight and taking the time to read my thoughts and contribute to the dialogue. I honestly appreciate this.
Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.
You are such a talented individual, Blair. The fact that you are willing to express so succinctly the feelings associated with your personal journey is a real tribute to you. Do not despair!
Thanks, Ellen. You’re a sweet support system and a champion I could certainly use in my corner these days! I appreciate you taking the time to read and reach out to me. It means a lot.
Everything is cyclical and tides always shift. It’s just a matter of pushing through the rough waters.
Hey Blair. An honesty beyond comprehension. Your mom continues to share posts on FB so I am in glad receipt of the reminder to catch some of your works, always thought provoking. So, I must comment… Some of the excitement is gone as you have experienced much already, very much. But I assure you that’s “not all there is” and your passions will return with still more new experiences. I agree with Ellen’s optimism observation and I’d like to add “joy”. We all need to be reminded to find joy every single day. A friend of mine does the 100 days of happiness thing – each day writing at least one tiny piece of her day that brought her some degree of happiness. At the end of 100, her heart is more full, she is more appreciative and motivated to keep plugging. We can ALL use our own little tricks to employ joy and optimism. The thing I am finding happiness in today? Your writing. Honest, raw, true with elegance. I’m smiling Blair. Thank you.
Thank you, Mary. The goal of this blog is to be honest and transparent about the current feelings, emotions, and thoughts that pass through my body and mind, despite negative feedback. I try not to worry about offending anyone or stepping on toes. It may be the only truly authentic space in my life.
So much of our day-to-day existence is spent pretending, smiling, appeasing, etc. I wanted to create a springboard for open discussion and a forum for genuine expression.
I so appreciate you being a part of this, and feeling comfortable enough to voice your opinions. It’s a rare thing and, whenever I read messages from my readers, I’m comforted by the fact that we share similar views and are all there to support one another through the journey. I’m a lone wolf, but it’s impossible to walk through the world as a single entity.
Your reminder to find joy and happiness in every day does not fall on deaf ears. I love the concept of 100 Happy Days, although I have found many people use the notion as a gross, self-indulgent form of promotion and a way to showcase themselves in the social media arena. That being said, the impetus behind that challenge comes from a positive place.
Again, I appreciate you taking the time to read my writing, and to reach out to me like this. Feel free to share my blog and my posts with anyone who you think could benefit from these conversations.
Well said! Keep it up Blair!