Tag Archives: youth

If Wishes Were Granted

If somehow, miraculously presented with a superpower, I wouldn’t want to fly, be invisible, or possess Herculean strength; I would like to look back at specific times in the past to recapture the feelings of those singular, fleeting moments that shaped and sculpted the unformed mound of raw clay that eventually made me.

To stand in the shoes of a younger version of myself and watch the world with that familiar sense of awe and wonder I felt when I first found my footing, and to walk those steps with the same eager, hopeful anticipation for what’s waiting around the next corner to entice, surprise, or educate would be a profound experience.

The question remains: Do I want to be an active participant who momentarily occupies the body of my junior version, with the ability to influence the future by altering the past…or would I feel better as a silent observer, simply taking in the scene with a detached sense of cheery nostalgia?

I suppose the potential to modify future (present) events could be a tricky business. How could I resist zipping in and out of crucial stumbling blocks or the bumps and bruises of adolescence to rewrite the rules of cool and smooth out the copious wrinkles that ruffled my feathers or occasionally turned that awkward meter up to eleven?

But without the growing pains and ever-present sidewalk-tripping of those formative years, can we truly appreciate the finish line? If life is fundamentally about the journey and not the destination—and that journey has been edited and airbrushed to the point of being unrecognizable—would we still accept that artificiality as reality?

Still, recapturing the essence of some of those wild nights or nascent seconds of fascination for what was possible or achievable and feel it electrically charge my bones again, even briefly, would paint a pretty pleasant visit back to better days.

It might even make it reasonably difficult to return to now.

Adolescence Interrupted

Digging Up the Past

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Thoughts and feelings locked in our memory reserves generally lie dormant until they’re stirred. But there are certain emotions that tend to live closer to the surface, and I’m guilty of carrying sentimentality on my shoulders like a perpetual backpack filled with nostalgia.

It seemed this longing to revisit a very specific time in my life was unique, and I assumed most people probably looked back at their past with a certain degree of ambivalence. Adolescent experiences were either loathed or loved, and a primary focus was put on the present.

But I’ve never been able to scratch that particular itch. The roller coaster rush felt from swimming in uncharted waters for the first time has never been equaled. There are moments of happiness and periods of near-contentment, but it’s hard to escape the fact that the person who used to wear my skin was simply a better version of me. I’ve tried to express this notion to family and friends, but it normally falls on deaf ears. My ideas get reduced to wistfulness by those who can’t relate.

Thankfully, a beautiful, honest, and painfully raw film called “Blue Jay” fell on my radar.

I’ve long been a fan of Mark Duplass and the “Mumblecore” genre, but this vulnerable and grounded story painted a remarkable visual representation of that longing to recapture the enthusiastic joy born from the prospect of hope. To see the suppressed pain and spinning thoughts being processed during intimate exchanges brought tears to my eyes. Finally, someone understood.

An ever-present ache has attached itself to adulthood, and no accomplishment or personal sense of pride will ever measure up to the wide-eyed wonder of youth. Maybe I’m lucky to have had such intensely significant milestone markers as I navigated my rites of passage. But I can’t ignore the chasm they created.

See this film. Remember your early life and early love. It’s worth it.

Adolescence Interrupted