Tag Archives: free will

No Gray Crayons

Choose your weapon. Pick your side. Never waver, wiggle, or compromise. We are swimming in a strict sea of black and white, and there’s no room in the water for those troublemaking tints.

This is the line in the sand of modern society. You wear the uniform, adopt the language, and blindly follow the Pied Piper’s tune like rats running out of Hamelin.

Common sense, intuition, and gut instincts be damned. If the coach says to do it, the team snaps to action. When your job is only to acquiesce, there’s no reason to hold tightly to ideals or personal convictions. Free will and independent thought are luxuries no longer afforded to a populace too inept or apathetic to speak up, speak out, or take action.

As someone who comfortably resides in the velvety soft embrace of extremes, with little interest in equivocation or vacillation, there is certainly value in being doggedly resolute. But personal lifestyle choices, habits, and routines do not affect society as a whole. When millions of lives are instantly transformed because of indiscriminate idolatry, we have a much scarier dragon to slay than my unremittingly repetitive diet and germ-killing compulsion.

So, how does a rainbow make its way into the final act of this nightmarish noir? How can we convince those wearing boots caked in concrete reluctance to step away from the safety of the flock settled on the edges and investigate the middle of the road? Meeting halfway has to be disguised as victory, a kind of triumph of the will, or an act of selfless accommodation.

Dress it up. Put sparkles on it. Whatever.

Just peel those fingers away from the security of the wall and move slowly into the center. The periphery is ultimately unsustainable, and everyone eventually runs out of enough room to retreat.

Adolescence Interrupted

When Is It Time to Leave the Party?

“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.”  —Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar)

Freedom. Free will. Agency over our own journey. Personal preference. Knowing when to say when. 

Why are the fundamental, core decisions about how and when we choose to exit our experience on this planet restricted by laws, moral codes, religious beliefs, or societal pressure?

We never seem to shut up about liberty, independence, and the right to live as we choose. Yet, when the topic of dictating how and when we finally raise that white flag and throw our towel into the center of the ring arises, we are met with nothing but restrictions, moral shaming, and attempts at obstruction. Where’s the autonomy?

It doesn’t feel very tolerant or compassionate to prevent someone in pain from trying to end their agony. 

Medical vs mental. Is one more precious or protected? I have suffered debilitating effects from both sides of that coin. But differentiating physical torture endured during sleepless days and nights (feeling like your head will literally explode, locked in the vice-like grip of unabating pressure) from the runaway, insomniac thoughts leading you down abandoned psychological train tracks into some nightmarish wasteland of fabricated conjecture and endlessly cycling projection is nearly impossible when you’re in the grips of either scenario…and your body and mind can’t distinguish between the two varieties of distress.

Dr. Kevorkian was a goddamn saint…and even he faced unceasing ire and interminable scrutiny from a population (and legal system) unwilling to accept that sometimes people are at the very end of their frayed rope. They should not be forced to tolerate unyielding torment simply because archaic laws are chaining them to the walls of their pain. 

So what does that say about psychological or emotional duress? Since the misery we can clearly see is met with scrutiny and a reluctance to permit any justifiable attempts at cessation, there is an exponential level of resistance to suicide and someone’s personal choice to dismount the merry-go-round of heartache and trauma. For some reason, the deterioration of the body does not hold the same weight or importance as the degeneration of the mind.

So, when do we leave the party? If we want to close the chapter on our own terms, we need to be okay with the roadblocks, objections, and disapproval. This world doesn’t want to end our pain. It wants to control our actions. If there is no fear of what’s waiting on the other side, then there is no reason not to proceed.

When that pot of hurt finally boils over, and there’s no way to clean the mess, an Irish goodbye doesn’t seem like the worst exit strategy.

Adolescence Interrupted

Next Lap/Last Lap

Every day is a borrowed bet that it’s not the final one.

As we walk the familiar path of looking back at yesterday to plan for tomorrow, it’s important to realize that no minutes or months are guaranteed. We assume the ritualistic rising sun affords us a constant opportunity to embrace a clean slate and start anew. Regardless of the mistakes and indiscretions that spurred our insomniac nights, a fresh morning canvas stands motionless in the middle of the room, floating in the nebulous space between inspiration and regret.

But what if that sun doesn’t surface?  What if tomorrow never arrives? What if yesterday was the end of the song?

The tired, clichéd advice to “live each day like it’s your last” is a hackneyed platitude…until it’s true. But the irony remains. We couldn’t embrace that lap because we never knew it would be the last. Now the hourglass is empty and we don’t have time to sweep up the sand.

Whether due to erratic geopolitics, super viruses, tragic happenstance, or our own free will, this past year may have been our curtain call…even if we were prematurely pushed out in front of the audience, unprepared for the bow.

There is an incredibly fragile balance constantly at play between nature and society, and we ride this edge of an eggshell crack existence desperately hoping the precarious shaking of the scales doesn’t suddenly shift and forever knock us off our trajectory.

We are fools to believe a ship’s sails will only be propelled by favorable winds, but it might be wise to recognize a perfect line when it presents itself. There isn’t always a patient second opportunity waiting in the wings, so cross your fingers and carpe diem.

Adolescence Interrupted