Tag Archives: control freak

Self-Actualized or Dead Inside?

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“When people appear to be something other than good and decent, it is only because they are reacting to stress, pain, or the deprivation of basic human needs such as security, love, and self-esteem.”  —Abraham Maslow

Is walking through this world entirely untroubled by the perspective or judgment of any other human being indicative of some Buddhist-like sense of self-assurance, or is it simply born from a perpetually hollow, empty core that sits like a dry well, incapable of registering the emotional message being delivered by my fellow carbon-based cronies?

Lately, I’ve been pondering this odd dissonance and trying to arrive at some definitive conclusions.

I am not unaware of criticisms. I am simply unaffected by them.

I value opinions and suggestions from those I admire and respect, but I am not easily swayed to re-examine my stance, reconsider my position, or reverse course without a period of prolonged, thoughtful scrutiny. Generally, my initial view remains intact, with some slight, subtle alterations to the foundation. 

I welcome feedback but am not impacted by negative reviews, harsh critiques, or unfavorable assessments. Like a stream of words in water, passing by on their way to another destination, I see the shapes and textures but never get wet.

I rarely experience hurt feelings, jealousy, envy, or desire of any kind. 

I celebrate the success of others as opposed to resenting it, but I never want to trade lives or circumstances with someone else.

The monotony of this hamster wheel hell called human existence never compels me to cheat, steal, or manipulate my way to a higher status or social position. Who has the most toys, followers, or fans is entirely irrelevant. Material possessions and ego-driven adoration are nothing but anvils affixed to our necks.

As elusive as the pursuit often feels, I strive to find balance and equity in all things, and I reject the notion that people in power positions have the right to discard or diminish the efforts of those so easily and thoughtlessly sequestered and banished to some concocted concept of a lower group, caste, or class.

I routinely rage at my own blinding inability to maintain full control in an increasingly uncontrollable world, and I’m baffled by the discordant mindsets of those who are perfectly comfortable following the false god of public opinion while swallowing endless twisted stats and facts like kids overdosing on Halloween candy.

Hmm. Guess I can scratch self-actualized off the list.

Adolescence Interrupted

A Ghost at the Gate

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gate1“We should not fret for what is past, nor should we be anxious about the future; men of discernment deal only with the present moment.”-Chanakya

I look at this quote and I’m shocked by how thoroughly misaligned my life is with this concept. It’s a popular notion, and philosophers and spiritual advisers have preached the benefits of “living in the now” for almost as long as we’ve been questioning the purpose of existence.

Fear is a funny thing. It’s hardwired into our survival brain, enabling us to avoid potentially life-threatening situations. But left unchecked, it can significantly hinder our growth, fulfillment, and sense of adventure. Factor in a dash of trauma, and we’re reduced to rats spinning circles in the corner of a cheeseless maze.

My car was hit two weeks ago by another vacuous LA burnout. There weren’t any injuries, but I was subjected to the thrilling roller coaster ride of insurance company phone calls, repair shop appointments, and rental car confirmations. There was also a hovering tension that the other driver would devise a nice piece of fiction to wiggle his way out of responsibility, and at the conclusion of the proceedings…there was the fear.

It’s typical to be jittery behind the wheel after a smash, but I’ve realized that this gun-shy, knee-jerk reaction never sits too deeply beneath the surface, regardless of my station, environment, or circumstances. I walk through the world with a wary eye, untrusting and cautious, nervous and neurotic. I want controllable variables in an uncontrollable game, and the desire to maintain that power puts me in uncomfortable positions. This recent situation falls under a much larger umbrella, and lands in line with a trend that appears to be growing only more potent with each passing year.

As an introvert, I gain energy from my own fuel cells, as opposed to needing someone else’s power pack. I’m self-reliant and feel most at peace when I know that nothing will disrupt my carefully-calculated balance. I’m more productive and relaxed when I’m not watching for curveballs in the batter’s box.

But how far will I go to maintain these systems?

Will fear and trauma always hold the pen, charting my course from point A to point B, or will I regain the sense of freedom I found as a younger man, chasing a future of hope and potential? Is it possible to uncover a layer of my psyche that’s willing to bend and morph to accommodate surprises and the hidden gems waiting in the wings?

These are questions not easily answered, and there’s no definitive proof that one lifestyle is necessarily more optimum than another. But fear is a sturdy beast, and it will take some strategy to murder a monster that retains residency in the mind.